Freewrite - Nintendo

Prompt: Write a convincing cover letter for a job you don't want.


Dear Governor LePage,

I am writing to you today to express my interest in joining your political career as your chief of staff, chief advisor, and chief creator of great ideas. You see, I have been watching your political life for quite some time now, and I have been incredibly impressed with your boldness, rudeness, and good ol' southern style of ignoring anyone who disagrees with you. It's those characteristics and your (often publicised) flatulence that got you into your office in the great state of Maine, but I want to be there to help you keep it.


I have a number of great talents and abilities that will give you a great advantage over the competition. As a hippie liberal gay communist, I know how your enemy thinks. I know what they'll do. And I know just how to piss them off. That's how we're going to beat them, Mr. LePage. We're going to take what you do best and do it even better. We're gonna piss off those liberal democrats and worker's unions and women's rights organisations so much that they'll lose all control and soil themselves. Then the American people will know who's really in charge.

I have a number of great ideas on just how to get started, as well. For example, that state health care that the last governor put so much work into fixing? Use it! Take that money and build yourself a massive statue by the border! Tell those Canadians that we're Open For Business! Better yet, remember all those laptops that the state issues to middle school students in order to further they're education? Get rid of 'em! If we throw them all away, then we can pay another huge company to move in and figure out how to get rid of all their environmentally toxic computer parts! Normally that kind of environmental hazard would cause health problems and drain the health care budget, but that's my genius! There is no more health care budget!

Plus, Maine needs to make room. Those old farts and STD-ridden young folk will die off first from the chemical contamination, leaving room for big, powerful businessmen to take over their property and bring in their highly functional families (and more importantly, money), to make this into an upstanding state!