Revision of a Paragraph

Original:

Yesterday I was looking at pictures of great white sharks leaping out of the water.  The first things that struck me were their jaws, gaping and filled with seawater and teeth.  After looking at a bunch of these shark pictures I began to start focusing on their eyes.  Have you ever looked long at shark eyes?  They’re round in an earnest open faced way, totally black.  They look hollow, they can’t blink.  When killing they sometimes cover their eyes with a thin, filmy, third eyelid, but their two normal eyelids can’t move.  You can’t see anything in a shark’s eyes but darkness, unabashed, opaque blackness.  I jokingly said to a friend in the room, “Sharks must have no souls, their eyes are empty.”  They replied by saying, “You know, I’ve actually always struggled drawing people, because I could never draw the soul in their eyes right.  Sharks were always easy to draw.  I suppose that’s probably why.”

Revised: 

Yesterday I was looking at pictures of great white sharks leaping out of the water.  As I studied more and more of them, I began to start focusing on their eyes.  Have you ever taken a long look at shark eyes?  They’re round in an earnest, open-faced way - totally black.  They look hollow. They can’t blink.  When killing they sometimes cover their eyes with a thin, filmy, third eyelid, but their two normal eyelids can’t move.  You can’t see anything in a shark’s eyes but darkness; unabashed, opaque blackness.  I joked to a friend in the room, “Sharks must have no souls, their eyes are empty.” S/he looked thoughtful.

“You know, I’ve actually always struggled drawing people, because I could never draw the soul in their eyes right.  Sharks were always easy to draw.  I suppose that’s probably why.”